The Beautiful People

Everyone knows celebrities have no soul. I mean the existential, theological kind, not the kind that makes you dance well . They have power, influence, and the ability to enthrall masses of humanity with their perfect visage. How else could you explain the worship we collectively shower upon these people?

For example, there's the beautiful model-turned-actress Bridget Moynahan. She grew up a normal enough girl to moderately well-off and professional parents and I'm sure was the late night bane of many a young man's dreams. She was athletic, intelligent and most certainly uncannily pretty. As is usually the case with people such as this, she probably had her ass kissed early and often in life. Everyone wanted her around and invited her to the best parties and told her how pretty she was. So instead of almost certain entry to a college (a party school alternately known as ZooMass) where her father was an administrator she began modeling instead. And that's where it happened. That's where she gave up her eternal spirit for a spectacular yet fleeting existence on this plane, this vector of reality. But actually, who could blame her?

It's happened to a lot of people, you know the kind. Katie Holmes used to be a well-grounded girl-next-door until she hit that tipping point sometime during Dawson's Creek and then *poof*!...away flitted her ethereal essence along with her sanity. Keri Russell was starring in Felicity when in a temporary bout of insanity she cut her hair (much to everyone's chagrin around her, including the producers of the show who had a money stake in her sexy ringlets) and she went to Satan in an attempt to get her hair - and her career - back. But it failed and all she got was a lovely set of fangs and obscurity in return. Still, not a bad deal.

Sometimes a person can regain their souls, but the price is high. And sometimes a person can achieve it all: celebrity, uber-beauty and an exalted zen-like existence. So today's story ends with another paean to my obsession Christy Turlington.

Coda: And so another vampire show passes ignominiously to oblivion without even nearing its potential. "Blade: The Series" has not been picked up for renewal, or in real words; it was cancelled. Lovely star JJill Wagner lives on in her Mercury car commercials never having had that torrid vampire lesbian love affair with her nemesis, the lovely Jessica Gower. I understand at least another vampire series is in production, but it looks mopey and maudlin and like most of this crap, never fun. Stay tuned.

A Modest Vampiress

Things have gotten unnecessarily complicated in the movies for the modern female vampire. It used to be pretty simple: Dracula sees a pretty girl, he bites her, she dies and comes back sexy, hungry, and obedient to her vampire master. If we're lucky she survives long enough to show us her fangs and maybe even her latent lesbian side too. Usually, some misguided do-gooder ends up inserting a sharp piece of wood in her heart and she dies a painful death. But of course, that was her comeuppance for not being a good Victorian girl and the extent of the morality lesson ended more-or-less about there.

It was a good and familiar story and except for the pretty vampire getting killed, I liked. it. But now there are shades and nuances to the female victim. She sometimes struggles against being a wonderfully evil and sexual creature. Occasionally, she even kills the vampire who made her into that lovely creature in the first place. It happened in Dracula 2000, and before that in 1995's Vampire in Brooklyn.

It seems to be a recent phenomenon. As late as 1985's Fright Night, the Good Girl Amy Peterson clearly permits herself to be seduced by the Vampire. She wakes up on command to kill her snooping boyfriend and although clearly tormented, she tries to do it not once, but twice! She whimpers pitifully after her first attempt and you can almost hear her thoughts: I've failed my master; I never thought it would be like this; I'm a goddam vampiress and I'm still in high school, I'm fucked! So she dutifully trods downstairs to the basement and this time she tries honey to catch her fly...

So now we're to a current vampire story like Blade: The Series. It's almost halfway through the first season and we've seen too much of Krista, the main protagonist, vacillating between being a good vampiress or a good girl. Self-loathing (like Amy from Fright Night) she's even helping her nominal master's arch-nemesis acquire the means to destroy all vampires, including herself.

This trend is an unfortunate but predictable one given the evolution of modern culture. It's a familiar tune: women are strong, women have choices, women are pulled in many directions at once. I guess female vampires just aren't supposed to obey their vampire masters anymore.

Here's my modest proposal: Ladies, if you're fortunate enough to become a vampire, don't fight it. Don't kill your vampire sire and whatever you do (especially if you're a hottie) don't wait until dawn and vaporize yourself with first dawn. You look beautiful in fangs.

Blade: The Series

Let's face it, most vampire movies inhabit a space somewhere between kung fu movies and bad remakes of 1960's television series. I usually watch them at whatever speed the fastest of the fast-forward will permit, slowing only for the occasional pretty girl with fangs.

Blade: The Series is different, it's actually good. I'd enjoy watching it even if it didn't have two hotties with fangs - who are, by the way, stunning. Jill Wagner is someone I've written about earlier and my crush for her remains intact. This week she wore a hoodie and had her hair in a pony-tail while attacking her mom with her wonderful fangs. This is my kind of woman. The other vampiress is Jessica Gower, an icy beauty with full red lips and menacing demeanor.

I've posted a few choice scenes on youtube.com for your enjoyment. This first one includes Krista (Jill Wagner) getting used to her fangs. Here is Chase (Jesssica Gower) feeding Krista some animal blood. Finally, Krista uses her fangs for real, killing a man and sealing her vampirism for good. Each of these scenes are in slow-motion. You can see it in real speed on TV but in this way you may fully enjoy their beauty.

Bonus Material: For some, you may be unfortunate to not know the name Christy Turlington. After you reject all the over-hyped baggage that comes with the word supermodel, Christy remains. Her career is almost at the 30 year mark and if she continues to improve at her current rate her corporeal being will soon become pure energy, thus becoming the first goddess since about the time of Athena. OK, I got a little carried away but I think she's really pretty.

1. Christy as an evil Cover Girl (ca. 1988)
2. Defiant, topless and awesome.
3. Like Dracula's Daughter.
4. Smiley with pointy fangs.
5. With 4 breasts in her Calvin Klein underwear
6. With 4 breasts in a full length skirt and nice top.
7. With 4 breasts and 2 navels.
8. With mesmerizing eyes and fangs in June 2006.

Brides of Dracula

The vampire movies produced by England's Hammer Studios in the 1950's and 1960's were an extraordinary example of beauty, atmosphere and class, particularly in their treatment of sexuality. In those more prudent times sexuality in movies was mostly restricted to implication. In 1960, licking lesbian vampires were impossible to show on screen, so Hammer did the most with what they had available and the result was lovely.

The essence of Brides of Dracula came down to one short sequence (video) lasting only a little more than a minute.

The setup to this was done masterfully and it was what made this little vignette so effective. Gina is a friend of Marianne's and a cute babe in a way that's sometimes difficult to recognize a generation later . Gina and Marianne have a heart-to-heart conversation one night by the fire and pine about their future loves. They sigh a lot, act girlish and giggle. If this were a porno movie you know what would happen next but as I mentioned, these were more prudent times. Gina (Andree Melly, 28) is concerned about being on the verge of spinsterhood while Marianne (Yvonne Monlaur, 21) was still a fresh young flower. When Marianne steps out of the room, Dracula suddenly appears through an open window and Gina decides it was time to get a man! even if he is a vampire. The metaphor of Dracula spreading the nape of Gina's nightgown is obvious, and even today a little titillating.

As you can see from the video, the mood is set as Marianne watches over Gina's coffin. The locks inexplicably drop from the brass clasps of the cedar box and Gina busts open the lid with a steely-eyed awareness. With a wry grin she reveals her lovely canines and attempts to seduce Marianne to come away with her. Unfortunately, Marianne is scared shitless and will have nothing to do with her.

Gina looks fabulous. Her hair is long and relaxed around her shoulders. Her tits are shaped like 1950's-era missiles. Her gown is as white as her wan face and this girl is ready to make vampire love with Marianne. The dialogue is unmistakeable about what she wants yet oblique enough to pass the censor's muster. The result is spooky and atmospheric.

I once read a review about this movie stating the brides of the title were actually the men of the film (more obfuscation by the screenwriter?) and this Dracula was gay. But that part went totally over my head. I just loved the chicks, and in a rare twist the two vamp ladies lived to an unknown fate at the end of the film. Time for a B.O.D. Part II.

Vampire Girl-Next-Door: Jill Wagner

I usually never watch an entire vampire movie, most times my finger is firmly placed on the fast-forward button. So when I heard Spike TV was producing Blade as a series I figured it would be another huge missed opportunity to show pretty girls with fangs and anticipated buying a replacement set of batteries for the remote. Then I saw a press release for the show prominently featuring actress Jill Wagner with a huge set of fangs (1,2,3 ). Then I read her bio and vaguely recalled once seeing a gorgeous model shilling some Mercury automobiles. Then I was smitten.

I worked in the same town where Jill grew up and we went to the same university, although at different times. I get the sense she's a smart woman from a decent family. She exudes cuteness, sexiness and she's a vampire with great fangs: she's the perfect woman.

I've only seen the trailer for the new series and from what I can deduce she plays a mortal woman looking to avenge her brother's disappearance but gets vampirized in the process. It's too rare in the movies when we get to see this transformation happen. The contrast of before and after is typically distinct and it's usually an allegory for sex. So in this case we get to see hot, pissed-off avenging female turn into the same, only she's a vampire too. Incredibly hot.

Jill's Blade character has the appearance of a good girl -turned-vampire-trollop. This performance has the potential to join an elite group of sexy transformed vampiresses I consider the best put to film, including Amanda Bearse in Fright Night (1985) and the trio in Dracula 2000 (Jeri Ryan, Colleen Fitzpatrick and Jennifer Esposito). It's made all the sweeter considering the recent spate of huge disappointments (Buffy, Underworld, etc.) with vampires inexplicably missing their canines, or just plain unattractive. The vampiress is dead, long live the vampiress.

More Vampire MILFs

The Fashionistas say for women age 40 is the new 30 and I believe them. MILF has entered the popular lexicon. Like athletes, beautiful women benefit from advances in science, technology, training and nutrition. If only the plasticine Desperate Housewives were on the 1919 White Sox...

In 1966's Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Barbara Shelley (1, 2, 3) was only 33 years old and already portrayed as the matronly travelling companion of two newlyweds. A power-bite from Dracula got her sexual juices flowing again, so much so that she tried to put the make on her new sister-in-law. Tragically, that failed and of course she got staked in the heart for even trying. A famous aphorism from the 1960's was about trusting no one over 30, I guess that goes for vampy in-laws too.

There's a growing list of MILF-y vampires. Rebecca Staab played a vampiress in the soap opera "Port Charles" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11). She's 44 and looks amazingly hot, hotter than some of Hollywood's "finest" in their 20's. Rebecca also briefly appeared as a vampiress in 1991's Dark Shadows remake. Kate Beckinsale (the sexy tiny-toothed latex-wearing vampiress in Underworld) is a mommy and about the same age as Barbara Shelley when she was allegedly drying up. Had Kate been in Dracula: Prince of Darkness (rather than Barbara) I don't think the newlywed sister-in-law would have needed much asking for that lesbian vampire kiss. Beautiful Jill Hennessey (now 37) of Crossing Jordan fame was also a vampiress in Friday the 13th, The Series: Night Prey (1989), in her prime age of 21. It was a great episode. Then of course there's my favorite vampire MILF Lynne Cormack who practically asked Dracula to make her his vampire wench in Dracula: The Series. She seemed to enjoy being one of the undead more than anyone I've ever seen...god, I loved her in that role but I can't seem to pin down her age. Alison Miller (the mom in Dark Town) also relished going to the dark side and she's in her mid-40's.

My new favorite MILF-who-should-be-a-vampire is actress Cheryl Hines (41) from HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. As far as I know she's never been a vampiress but with choppers like hers she'd be perfect.

Of course, there's always a counter-argument and that would be Kim Cattrall in 1998's Modern Vampires (she was 42). How they tried to sell that war horse as sexy even up to Sex and the City is beyond me.

Here's a picture request: Are you a MILF or have a pic of one you want me to vampirize? Please make sure they're legitimately "real" (no actresses, Internet porn models, etc.), that they're smiling, the image is high quality and I'll see what I can do.

Bonus: FemVamps Usual Fake Hollywood starlet vampiress.

African Vampire Queen

8/27/2005 I recently saw two vampire movies with some really hot black vampiresses. You don’t see many black female vamps and it got me to thinking about a few things.

Why so few? I guess when you consider the ratio of white to black actors; it may be no greater or less. It could also be because the vampire myth is eastern European in origin and the movies usually play up that fact in their stories.

So I tried to put together a mental list of movies in which I had seen black vampiresses and the list is pretty short. There was the 1970’s Blaxploitation flick Scream, Blacula, Scream (IMDB.com link) which I don’t remember all that well but seem to recall at least one extremely rather unattractive black vampiress. Her screen time was miniscule. There was also the excellent (in the way I think any vampire film is excellent - it had a bona fide supermodel vampire and lots of shots of female fangs) 1996 movie Bordello of Blood (IMDB.com link) where there was one black vampire hooker. She didn’t say much but showed her tits and had great fangs.

One of my overall favorites is 1985 made-for-TV movie Midnight Hour (IMDB.com link) with a young-ish Shari Belafonte (before she and her dad went insane.) She’s plays a snotty In-crowd high schooler who gets her comeuppance when she’s bitten by an ancestor who was a witch and a slave (and not bad looking, either). For some reason (it was a milder decade, I guess) the scene where Shari bit her best friend and turned her into a vampiress wasn’t shown, but it happened nevertheless and it would have been great to see. In one of the best scenes Shari gets attacked and bitten by the witch-slave in a very graphic manner. It was very cool-sexy, especially with a great bed of music by The Smiths.

A few more...in the first Blade movie, there was a very brief appearance by Blade’s mother who was extremely hot, even with the ridiculous wig. There was also1986’s Vamp with kooky model/singer Grace Jones. She never looked good, so I barely even count this one.

Then in 1995 there was A Vampire in Brooklyn (IMDB.com link) with Angela Bassett. Fresh off Malcolm X and What’s Love Got to Do With It she retained that "I am woman, hear me roar" pride. I never thought her to be very pretty, but when she put on that fright wig, her forehead mutated into a Klingon-like shell and (my favorite) beautiful double-fangs appeared she became as beautiful as a supermodel to me.

Which brings me to the recent ones I’ve seen. There was the gangsta girl in the excellently-written Dark Town (IMDB.com link), a movie notable for its lesbian vampires and their persistent fangs. Then there was Denise Boutte in Way of the Vampire (she actually does us all a favor in the extras and pronounces it for us, it’s "booty". No lie. Watch. Rewind. Snicker. Repeat. ) Which is none too ironic because she looks like a goddess. Beautiful face, amazing tits and ass, and well-spoken. She truly comes across in her interview as a lovely girl. And she has awesome fangs. I like my vampiresses preppy, and Denise fits the bill.

Vampires are about sex, and they say sex is about power. Black women are typically portrayed in the movies today as strong and independent. I want to see more of that. But with fangs.

If anyone has any pics to share of black vampiresses, please email them to me. I'd be happy to post. And if I missed any movies with notable black ladies with fangs, please post a comment and let me know!