Female Vampires

Ruminations on ladies with fangs.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Great Expectations: Small Fangs

Recently, I've seen some good news about three vampire movies in production and I give no small credit to the success of that Matrix-inspired, brooding, horror movie-mélange known as Underworld for helping make them happen. In Hollywood's predictable manner of doing business, financial (not necessarily creative) success inevitably spawns imitators and Underworld did just that. Besides having a good industry-insider human-interest story (the Underworld director is married to the star) it was aesthetically interesting, stylish, edgy and - most importantly - a profitable wide-release film. So now there's not only a planned sequel, but a prequel too. And from what I've seen so far, it's just more of the same.

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but when it's human, incredibly beautiful, with an amazing figure, evil eyes and has supernatural powers; I look for fangs. Sadly, Kates' were too small and I had other issues with the movie too. Firstly, if the star is Kate Beckinsale I want to see her pretty face. It was filmed way too dark, as if some of the lights on set had burned out. And it rained way too much. Wet hair and clothing are fine in the bedroom but otherwise it just seems smelly and messy. And besides Kate's fangs being way too small, she never fed on anybody or even displayed much vampire-behavior or emotion beyond brooding anger and angst. Pissed-off is OK for a little while, but like the old Hammer horror films from the 50's and 60's, female vampirism should spawn sexual awakening,latent lesbianism, hunger for blood as a metaphor for sex, a large bosom, and push-up bra gowns. So Kate wore PVC as second skin instead of a dress, her hair was always wet, she moped around a lot...but it was a movie starring her as a vampire. With fangs. Albeit small ones. So I won't complain. Much.

In my un-scientific study (read: obsession) of female vampire movies, I've gleefully noticed a steady increase over the last decade. Since about the time of (goth kids - get ready...) the unwatchable, plodding, boring, piece of oddball-cult-worship known as Interview with the Vampire (1994) with its inexplicable mass-market appeal (read: results in money) there are more upper-tier actresses turning into vampires. It started with 1985's awesome Fright Night which at the time was an oasis in a desert of vampire films. It starred then-unknown actress and pre-lesbian Amanda Bearse (Married, With Children - 1987). To this day it has the best transformation of a cute girl transforming into a raging vampiress ever set to film. Then came 1989's Vampire's Kiss with pre-actress-lesbian Jennifer Beals as a very toothsome and sexy bloodsucker who was tellingly already cooling-off from off her mega-success with Flashdance (1983). But she was still a commodity. Soon on the heels of Interview with the Vampire (phlagh! I clear my mouth...) was the enjoyable and light Bordello of Blood (1996) starring supermodel Angie Everhart. It bombed badly at the box office and that was a setback for the genre.

Please allow me to digress in order to gloat and name-drop for a moment...but there is a related point here. I had the fortunate experience of sitting at a table in a small Manhattan restaurant next to "Indie film Queen" Parker Posey last week. I fist saw her inDazed & Confused (1993 - great movie, btw that also starred soon-to-be-vampiress Milla Jovovich) when she stood out as really cute with a great look; a little conservative-looking with a very pretty face with and a spark of sexiness. Naturally, I thought she would make the transition to vampirism very nicely. Parker recently appeared in (what I'm sure is abysmal) Blade III as a vampiress queen and I was very glad and surprised to find she actually had at least one scene where she bared some fangs. (I saw parts of the first Blade and avoided the other two, knowing there would be small prospect to even glimpse some quality female fang-age.) So Parker was a hope of mine to get vampirized and luckily, now she has been. By the way...she had a very pleasant and gentle appearance in person. And she looks fantastic with fangs! Just kidding, she ate vegetarian.

My point is there are some actresses whom you know can pull-off the role and some who never could. Uma Thurman: not a good candidate to become a vampiress. Again, my favorite vampiresses are those from Hammer movies and they were ultimately vulnerable and almost always got a stake to the heart. I like Uma, but I don't see her submitting to her vampire lord just because he's the one who bit her in the neck. On the other hand someone like Jessica Simpson: she would be the best looking vampiress ever but it would just never happen. Even if her Hollywood handlers ever let her wander beyond the safe confines of scripted songs and carefully managed-to-look-real reality shows, she's just too submissive. Let's face it, fangs are there for a reason and they're not just for flossing.

But now we have 3 ladies whose beauty I've long admired and wished would become vampires:

Tidbit #1: As previously noted on this blog, Milla Jovovich will star in a futuristic vampire movie called "Ultraviolet" which is in post-production; meaning it's one-step closer to reality. Unfortunately, the more I consider this, it may have all the telltale signs of another pseudo-vampire movie that barely conforms to the comfortable, exciting and accepted conventions of the vampire myth which most importantly, includes sexy women with big fangs. I foresee bad costumes, too much action and not enough vampire sex. But if Milla has the fangage and at least one good scene feeding on another woman it may all be worth it.

Tidbit #2: Terminatrix Kristianna Loken first came to everyones' notice when she starred with pre-Governor Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3 and will now appear as the living (so-to-speak) vampire incarnation of BloodRayne from video game of the same name. Kristianna looked truly stunning in T3; she had great costuming and makeup and displayed the comportment of her fashion model roots. But subsequent pics appear to me as if she had merely cleaned up real well and doesn't nearly approach the Grace Kelly-like beauty I thought she might have. The pre-release pictures I've seen from the movie show off her great tits but I haven't seen many fangs. From what I know of the game itself, BloodRayne is a pretty sexual creature and although Kristianna may not be Grace Kelly in fangs, a sword-bearing, scantily dressed, angry kick-ass half-vampire former fashion model trollop may at least be good eye candy.

Tidbit #3: Lucy Liu, the asian, Queens, New York girl with an awesome body and great smile that is perfect for, well - fangs... The media machine is already in motion with a recent press release announcing she'll star in a film called Rise in which she'll play a reporter who wakes up in a morgue as one of the undead. The plotline seems to surround her finding out who, what and why she became a vampire.

The fact is I'm sick of Lucy Liu's press agency. I was sick of her by the time she got into Charlies Angels. Kill Bill: Vol. 1 was a great movie but one of the best parts is when Lucy got the top of her head sliced off - not decapitated -, so that just her skull cap was removed. This enabled her to stand there for a bit contemplating her condition and her brain exposed to nothing but the sky before she collapsed into a dead heap. That was cool. That kind of thing never would have happened in Charlies Angels.

She's beautiful, don't get me wrong. If played right she could well be one of the hottest vampire chicks ever. But do I foresee her actually sucking blood, killing an innocent, engaging in vampire sex or even having a great pair of fangs? With her Hollywood handlers so delicately managing her career, and the ever-present P.C.-police monitoring whatever a high-profile minority does in a movie these days...I see another huge missed opportunity coming with this one. "Ms. Beckinsale, meet Ms. Liu."

So who's in the pool of probability to one day become a cool vampire chick? Jessica Alba, of course.

1 Comments:

At 10:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

4 words:Dark Town see it.

 

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