Best Female Vampire Movie - Ever.

Best Female Vampire Movie - Ever June 22, 2005

So I've decided to stop complaining about all of Hollywood's missed opportunities for good vampire movies and write my own excellent lesbian vampire screenplay. OK, not actually a screenplay but a basic outline; a "treatment" I think it's called.

With a possible list of hot actresses already in mind, I'll begin by selecting a topic. Success breeds nothing like itself, so at the risk of sounding dull, trite and clichéd, we'll start by creating a variation on "Dracula". Here's the Hollywood pitch: it's Dracula meets Sex and the City. A group of Manhattan women professionals belonging to a book group are rejoined by Katie, a young lawyer recently returned from a six-month business trip to eastern Europe. Unbeknownst to her friends, Katie was vampirized on the trip by her Hungarian client and is now looking to (literally) make her mark back in New York.

So now that we've got a good story we'll populate it with what's possibly the most important element; hot actresses who'll make good vampires. Using the Dracula characters as reference, here's the cast:

 

Katie Holmes
Dracula character: Jonathan Harker.
Real Life: Actress with both independent film credibility and second-network star-status. Incredibly cute, tall and adorable, recently disengaged and now hitched-up with that weirdo, retarded, Cheshire-cat  grinning, false-religion Scientologist, mental and physical midget Tom Cruise. And here I thought she was one of the few normal Hollywood actresses. I hope this is just her lashing-out at the world over her breakup.
Story Profile: The beautiful Katie plays the young lawyer who travels to Transylvania for an extended business trip. Whereas in the original story Jonathan escapes being bitten, Katie is fortunately vampirized by Dracula himself. Our story begins as she returns to Manhattan to rejoin her friends and the law firm that sent her away on business.

Anne Hathaway
Dracula character: Mina (nee Wilhelmina) Harker
Real Life: The stunning young starlet of the Princess Diaries. She's got poise, class, and one of the finest, luscious, most pert-set of natural breasts in existence today. Not too big, nor too small; just perfect.
Story Profile: The young NYU graduate student and former love-interest of Katie . She became broken-hearted when Katie left for Romania and although started dating straight never quite got over her. Naturally, upon Katie's return she again becomes the object of her desire. In some versions of the Dracula story Anne's character becomes slightly-vampirized but recovers in the end. Nothing so silly or half-assed will happen in this story. 

Tara Reid
Dracula character: Lucy Westenra.
Real Life: Annoying, flirty, hot-looking, nouveau riche party-girl cock-tease from New Jersey.
Story Profile: Annoying, flirty, hot-looking, nouveau riche party-girl cock-tease from New Jersey. A recent addition to the group when Katie left, she was a childhood friend of Anne and insinuated herself upon her and the group after breaking up with her last boyfriend. She immediately attracts Katie's disdain and in a fit of disgust is viciously vampirized, mostly to keep her mouth shut and under control.

Christy Turlington
Dracula character: Van Helsing.
Real Life: The most beautiful model to ever float in front of a lens. The thinking-man's Playboy centerfold and a superior to the Greek goddess Aphrodite. Recently sullied her womb with the essence of a corporeal entity and gave birth to a half-divine child. Woe to the world; she is no longer modeling. 
Story Profile: The oldest of the group but nonetheless subtly, awesomely beautiful. It's in her West Side brownstone apartment where she hosts the weekly book group. Single, educated and intelligent, she's the first to realize the group's been infiltrated by a vampire and to take action. And then of course, she's turned into a vampire too.

Avril Lavigne
Dracula character: Quincey
Real Life: Annoying adolescent punk grrrl going through an extended "phase" of faux rebellion and huge records sales. Actually, a pretty good singer/songwriter with a natural set of vampire teeth. Give her a few years and she'll be in designer clothes and showing off her natural beauty of which she has much.
Story Profile: Avril had an unrequited crush on Tara. After Katie turns Tara into a vampire, Avril and Anne join together to cut Tara's head off while she slept.

Kate "the Bos" Bosworth
Amanda Peet
Dracula Characters: n/a
Story Profile: These two extras are just there to round-out the book group and provide some eye candy. They are also very different from each other. Kate has the California looks that could wither a man's soul just by looking at her. She's also  as dumb as a box of hammers.  On the flipside of the coin Amanda is interesting-looking and quite pretty. She's intelligent, educated, professionally driven, politically active and outspoken.  We will see her transformation to a submissive, overtly sexual feminine doormat when she gets vampirized.

Tom Cruise
Dracula character: Renfield.
Real Life: Mental midget, physical midget, way overrated actor, weirdo, vehemently denies being gay, Scientologist, goofball, way too smiley-faced, pea-brained, "totally not gay!", creepy, awful over-actor, and denier of persistent they-just-won't-seem-to-go-away rumors of homosexuality
Story Profile: Think Screech from Saved by the Bell, but with less presence. Always grinning, lumbering, inarticulate; talks little and mumbles when he does. Never without a drink in his hand. Tom is Christy's ex-boyfriend's cousin who's recently become the building Superintendent and temporarily staying at Christy's.

Next Update: The Story.

P.S. This weeks' pic is of the lovely Adriana Lima with a new look.