Brides of Dracula

The vampire movies produced by England's Hammer Studios in the 1950's and 1960's were an extraordinary example of beauty, atmosphere and class, particularly in their treatment of sexuality. In those more prudent times sexuality in movies was mostly restricted to implication. In 1960, licking lesbian vampires were impossible to show on screen, so Hammer did the most with what they had available and the result was lovely.

The essence of Brides of Dracula came down to one short sequence (video) lasting only a little more than a minute.

The setup to this was done masterfully and it was what made this little vignette so effective. Gina is a friend of Marianne's and a cute babe in a way that's sometimes difficult to recognize a generation later . Gina and Marianne have a heart-to-heart conversation one night by the fire and pine about their future loves. They sigh a lot, act girlish and giggle. If this were a porno movie you know what would happen next but as I mentioned, these were more prudent times. Gina (Andree Melly, 28) is concerned about being on the verge of spinsterhood while Marianne (Yvonne Monlaur, 21) was still a fresh young flower. When Marianne steps out of the room, Dracula suddenly appears through an open window and Gina decides it was time to get a man! even if he is a vampire. The metaphor of Dracula spreading the nape of Gina's nightgown is obvious, and even today a little titillating.

As you can see from the video, the mood is set as Marianne watches over Gina's coffin. The locks inexplicably drop from the brass clasps of the cedar box and Gina busts open the lid with a steely-eyed awareness. With a wry grin she reveals her lovely canines and attempts to seduce Marianne to come away with her. Unfortunately, Marianne is scared shitless and will have nothing to do with her.

Gina looks fabulous. Her hair is long and relaxed around her shoulders. Her tits are shaped like 1950's-era missiles. Her gown is as white as her wan face and this girl is ready to make vampire love with Marianne. The dialogue is unmistakeable about what she wants yet oblique enough to pass the censor's muster. The result is spooky and atmospheric.

I once read a review about this movie stating the brides of the title were actually the men of the film (more obfuscation by the screenwriter?) and this Dracula was gay. But that part went totally over my head. I just loved the chicks, and in a rare twist the two vamp ladies lived to an unknown fate at the end of the film. Time for a B.O.D. Part II.

Vampire Girl-Next-Door: Jill Wagner

I usually never watch an entire vampire movie, most times my finger is firmly placed on the fast-forward button. So when I heard Spike TV was producing Blade as a series I figured it would be another huge missed opportunity to show pretty girls with fangs and anticipated buying a replacement set of batteries for the remote. Then I saw a press release for the show prominently featuring actress Jill Wagner with a huge set of fangs (1,2,3 ). Then I read her bio and vaguely recalled once seeing a gorgeous model shilling some Mercury automobiles. Then I was smitten.

I worked in the same town where Jill grew up and we went to the same university, although at different times. I get the sense she's a smart woman from a decent family. She exudes cuteness, sexiness and she's a vampire with great fangs: she's the perfect woman.

I've only seen the trailer for the new series and from what I can deduce she plays a mortal woman looking to avenge her brother's disappearance but gets vampirized in the process. It's too rare in the movies when we get to see this transformation happen. The contrast of before and after is typically distinct and it's usually an allegory for sex. So in this case we get to see hot, pissed-off avenging female turn into the same, only she's a vampire too. Incredibly hot.

Jill's Blade character has the appearance of a good girl -turned-vampire-trollop. This performance has the potential to join an elite group of sexy transformed vampiresses I consider the best put to film, including Amanda Bearse in Fright Night (1985) and the trio in Dracula 2000 (Jeri Ryan, Colleen Fitzpatrick and Jennifer Esposito). It's made all the sweeter considering the recent spate of huge disappointments (Buffy, Underworld, etc.) with vampires inexplicably missing their canines, or just plain unattractive. The vampiress is dead, long live the vampiress.

More Vampire MILFs

The Fashionistas say for women age 40 is the new 30 and I believe them. MILF has entered the popular lexicon. Like athletes, beautiful women benefit from advances in science, technology, training and nutrition. If only the plasticine Desperate Housewives were on the 1919 White Sox...

In 1966's Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Barbara Shelley (1, 2, 3) was only 33 years old and already portrayed as the matronly travelling companion of two newlyweds. A power-bite from Dracula got her sexual juices flowing again, so much so that she tried to put the make on her new sister-in-law. Tragically, that failed and of course she got staked in the heart for even trying. A famous aphorism from the 1960's was about trusting no one over 30, I guess that goes for vampy in-laws too.

There's a growing list of MILF-y vampires. Rebecca Staab played a vampiress in the soap opera "Port Charles" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11). She's 44 and looks amazingly hot, hotter than some of Hollywood's "finest" in their 20's. Rebecca also briefly appeared as a vampiress in 1991's Dark Shadows remake. Kate Beckinsale (the sexy tiny-toothed latex-wearing vampiress in Underworld) is a mommy and about the same age as Barbara Shelley when she was allegedly drying up. Had Kate been in Dracula: Prince of Darkness (rather than Barbara) I don't think the newlywed sister-in-law would have needed much asking for that lesbian vampire kiss. Beautiful Jill Hennessey (now 37) of Crossing Jordan fame was also a vampiress in Friday the 13th, The Series: Night Prey (1989), in her prime age of 21. It was a great episode. Then of course there's my favorite vampire MILF Lynne Cormack who practically asked Dracula to make her his vampire wench in Dracula: The Series. She seemed to enjoy being one of the undead more than anyone I've ever seen...god, I loved her in that role but I can't seem to pin down her age. Alison Miller (the mom in Dark Town) also relished going to the dark side and she's in her mid-40's.

My new favorite MILF-who-should-be-a-vampire is actress Cheryl Hines (41) from HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. As far as I know she's never been a vampiress but with choppers like hers she'd be perfect.

Of course, there's always a counter-argument and that would be Kim Cattrall in 1998's Modern Vampires (she was 42). How they tried to sell that war horse as sexy even up to Sex and the City is beyond me.

Here's a picture request: Are you a MILF or have a pic of one you want me to vampirize? Please make sure they're legitimately "real" (no actresses, Internet porn models, etc.), that they're smiling, the image is high quality and I'll see what I can do.

Bonus: FemVamps Usual Fake Hollywood starlet vampiress.