Female Vampires

Ruminations on ladies with fangs.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

MILF Vampirella

There's a scene described on the DVD commentary track of Talisa Soto's tour de force movie Vampirella that made me feel both disdain and pity for her. "First of all," you may ask, "why the fuck are you listening to the commentary track of Vampirella, anyway?" Valid question. And I don't have a good answer except to say Vampirella was my first pubescent crush. But more on that another time. Anyway, the scene was filmed in the art deco-like bowels of Hoover dam (!?!) and the director was describing why Talisa was obviously limping as she ran ever so delicately in her vinyl dominatrix boots over the highly polished concrete flooring. Evidently, the poor woman severely twisted her ankle doing one of the stunts and the director described her as being a trooper and continuing on with what was the exciting finale of the film. Bullshit. I think she was so desperate to end the abject humiliation of (what was even for her) a wretched nadir of movie-making that she wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, lick her wounds and salvage the last shreds of dignity her career could muster. But damn! did she look sexy.

Her career started out promising enough as a hot little model and she switched to film in 1988, beginning with some reputable films. But then about the time she turned 30 it all began to go wrong and she starred in Mortal Kombat, then Vampirella and sadly...predictably, Mortal Kombat2. But then in 2002 she somehow (unbelievably!) got onto the cover of Vanity Fair magazine which in the vapid hoity-toity set is like getting blessed by the pope. "Great," I thought, "another pump of air for this artificially inflated ego to absorb." But what the fuck do I know about Hollywood - this is the same industry that made Tom Cruise and Nicolas Cage stars...but I digress.

Back to the movie. Except for the absence of lesbian vampire sex (a complaint I have about almost every film ever made, including Citizen Kane) Vampirella was an awesome vampire flick. The star actress (that would be Talisa) was a blood-sucking, fang-baring, ass-kicking beauty. She wore a ridiculously absurd, atrocious and skimpy costume that showed off her tits real nice. And although it was not the costume released in the original publicity shots, nor worn by the original comic Vampirella it was probably effective in deflating that aforementioned ego just a little bit more. The movie also had some gratuitous vampire nudity (the vampire-kind always being the best) and what may be a first; a fang-baring former Playboy centerfold. If anyone has information or pictures of other vampire playmates, I'm listening.

Her careening career aside, Talisa looked absolutely beautiful. There was one great fang-baring image of her after another in the film. She has an amazing body, beautiful red eyes and in one of my favorite scenes (according to the commentary, I think it was shot in a Holiday Inn) she looks truly stunning in a simple black frock. I don't want to discourage Talisa too much. In fact, major props to her for donning the fangs in the first place. She looked great in that lame (aren't they all?) James Bond flick and even though she looks a little wan in the cheek she's still at that milf-ish stage. C'mon Talisa, put on those claw-nails and bare those fangs for us one more time!

Friday, January 21, 2005

Model Behavior: Milla Jovovich

A new vampire movie is in the works due to come out sometime in 2005 called Ultraviolet starring supermodel Milla Jovovich. As usual, I anticipate each new vampire movie starring some beauty with a little trepidation given big-Hollywood's uneven history with this topic. Typically the best ones seem to come from the small independents who are willing to take more of a risk with their talent. The managers, handlers, studios and other pusillanimous sycophants are just too afraid to make anything too edgy. The recent Van Helsing and (especially) Underworld are good examples full of missed opportunities starring awesome beauties.

And while I'm on the subject of missed opportunities, could we please start seeing some pretty female vampires who don't look as if they smell like fish (if you know what I mean) or need to take a shower?

Ultraviolet may be different, however, if only because Milla seems to want to take those risks. First of all she seems kooky enough to me to do just about anything but appealingly more grounded than some other famous kooks. She certainly seemed game enough in the 5th Element and Resident Evil to try new things and she gives me the impression she genuinely works hard at her craft. To her credit, she's not only an actress, international supermodel, but a pretty good singer too (I thought her album Divine Comedy was superior.) Obviously, this is a woman who's long had a passion to be famous.

So here's to some hope that Milla will be a good vampiress.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

American Vampire Beauty

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Thursday, January 13, 2005

Model Behavior: Josie Maran

Josie Maran Bares Her FangsFashion models come with an expiration date. For the lucky ones it's usually around 30 years and for the exceptional few (i.e., those blessed genetic anomolies known as supermodels) it seems to be somewhere around 35, but science just doesn't know for sure. The smart ones - yes, there are a few- know their adoring public will eventually turn on them like sour milk and begin to sow the seeds of a second career early-on. For example. when she's not annoyingly reminding us that she's into yoga, the goddess Christy Turlington is busy schilling her yoga clothing line and flexing her womb with babies. Another mom, ditz and former Sports Illustrated supernatural Kathy Ireland is trying to do something for busy moms although I can't quite figure out what that actually is.

Some mannequins like Rebecca Romijn (who made a damn fine looking mutant in X-Men) and the elegant Bridget Moynahan simply chose acting and haven't yet played vampires. And luckily for us Josie Maran is among the handful of legitimate models (including Angie Everhart, Rebecca Gayheart and Monica Bellucci) who have not only successfully transitioned to movies but wore the Fangs too. Except for the tragic exception of Monica Bellucci, these beautiful ladies were graced with fine sets of vamp-teeth. (Monica's fangs were not only woefully ignored on film but they weren't even canines; a weirdly unappealing attribute.) Angie had 4 fine fangs while Rebecca's were glorious and grandly sized.

In the summer 2004 film "Van Helsing",Josie's fangs were magically extensible on-demand (I love that!) and in my humble opinion trumped the female lead in the looks department (the awesome Kate Beckinsale, who's no stranger herself to a set of choppers.) It's not every woman who can transform herself into a pasty, claw-footed, emaciated bat-winged flying hellcat and still inspire me to sleep with her, but Josie did it. Her performance was masterful and I'm not sure she even said a word. As one of of Dracula's three brides, Josie leads a terrorizing flyover above a medieval town. She gets shot with arrows, giggles a bit, grows those fangs, gives a nice view of her tits and when she's finally impaled against a building her angelic face begs you to have sympathy for her. And you will, 'cause she's a Sports Illustrated model and a vampiress! There's rumor of a "Van Helsing II" so maybe she'll have the opportunity to return and this time make good use of her assets.

And speaking of Kate Beckinsale; I understand she's slated to film another instance of "Underworld" with a different director whom this time may even supply her with a better set of fangs, a more varied wardrobe and maybe even some decent lighting. Unfortunately, her superior English diction was favored in lieu of a believably pointy set of teeth...besides, we never get to see her bare them so much as even use them. What a waste of a great opportunity! What better box office than Beckinsale sucking the neck (and maybe other things) of some other starlet? Like so many vampires movies that never live up to their potential I had a lot of problems with "Underworld". But more on that another time...

Friday, January 07, 2005

Lesbian Vampire Synchronicity

Mia flashes fangsBeals Walking If there's anything better than vampires or lesbians, it's lesbian vampires. It just so happens Mia Kirschner and Jennifer Beals have each played both the former but not the latter. And now they're lesbian lovers in a cable TV series.

Early in her career (before she began kissing girls for a living) Mia Kirschner played the niece of a vampire hunter in "Dracula: The Series". I recently bought the DVD's and noted how many times she was turned into a vampire (once by her boyfriend and once in a dream sequence) and harassed by female vampires wishing to vampirize her (at least twice.)

Back in the 80's, before Jennifer Beals started kissing girls too she was big shit, especially when the movie "Flashdance" was released. The movie sucked but America loved it and she became its sweetheart. With vaguely multi-ethnic looks and a killer body she was young and edgy enough to appeal to mass audiences. Predictably, her career began to wane and she applied the fangs in "Vampires Kiss" a mere 5 years later.

Fast forward 15 years and Jennifer still looks pretty good and Mia made a splash (the execrable dreck "The Crow" notwithstanding) kissing chicks in several movies and getting slutty in laddie magazines. Now they both regularly love women (and maybe each other - I dunno, I don't subscribe to the show) on Showtime's "The L Word".

If we can just convince the writers of the show to turn them both into vampires, now that would warrant signing up for Showtime!